Last Name for Baby: Interview with Kelly
Utt Grubb
From LoveToKnow Baby
Kelly Utt-Grubb is a family naming expert. Her ground breaking work has been featured in major media, including The Los Angeles Times, PINK Magazine and iParenting.com, as well as on numerous radio shows across the country. As a graduate with a degree in psychology from the University of Tennessee, Kelly worked as a research assistant in a psychology lab at Emory University on the Emory Family Togetherness Project. After facing personal family naming issues and realizing that there was no one to look to for guidance, Kelly decided to use her personal and professional experience to help others. Kelly now resides in North Carolina with her husband, Sam, and their 8 and 5-year-old sons. Her family proudly shares the hyphenated last name Utt-Grubb, which is a combination of Kelly and Sam's "maiden" names. Kelly offers advice on selecting last names for babies.
Why do parents often have trouble finding names for their babies?
There are a variety of situations expectant parents may find themselves in which the best last name for baby isn't clear. Such as:
- when mom and dad kept their "maiden" names
- when dad (or mom) isn't in the picture
- when baby is adopted and the new parents desire inclusion of the baby's birth name
- when parents are a same-sex couple and have different last names
What are some new concepts in regards to last names for babies?
Modern options include the following:
- mom's maiden name
- hyphenation of parents' names
- combination of parents' names (dad's last name Wilson and mom's last name Field become Filson or Wield)
- a new family last name of special significance (Meadows for a love of open spaces, Bell for mindfulness or Dakota because parents met there)
- dad's last name to boys and mom's last names to girls
- family using last name from a distant family member such as an extra special grandmother whose family name hasn't been passed on
What factors should parents consider as they decide on a last name for their baby?
Parents should consider the following:
- What your partner/co-parent expects (have you made assumptions that might not be accurate?)
- Personal values (such as gender equality and marriage being a partnership) and whether or not they want baby's last name to reflect those values
- How important it is for baby's last name to sound nice versus being personal meaningful to the family
- How concerned they are about the potential for teasing on the playground (a child raised with solid self esteem and family connection will ultimately care very little about this)
- Factors influencing children's knowledge about gender and equality (how parents talk about family naming choices makes an impact)
- Whether or not having a unified "team name" for the family is important
- Whether or not parents believe there is a social stigma attached to a nontraditional last name (common perception that there is a stigma, but research shows that's not necessarily so)
- Whether or not parents believe that it will be socially awkward if their last name isn't the same as their child's (with some preparation, this usually isn't a big deal)
- What your family of origin thinks and how important that is to you
Why would parents want to give their baby a last name that isn't the traditional name of the father?
The primary reason that parents give a child a name other than just their father's is because they want a connection to both parents reflected in the last name. Marriages today are true partnerships, and we're seeing that reflected in family naming more and more often.
Sometimes parents work this out before a child enters the picture, such as if they choose a team name for themselves when they marry. In this case, baby may get a last name that is technically nontraditional because it isn't just dad's, but the decision was made prior to their arrival.
Where can we read more on this topic?
No books currently exist on this topic for expectant parents, but I am writing one that will be released as part of my family naming series in 2009.
A self-study product consisting of 50 essential questions designed to help parents get clear on the best last name for baby is now available as an instant download on my site at Name Counsel.
I also provide parents personalized assistance making the decision via one-on-one telephone consult. More information is available at Name Counsel. Pricing begins at $99.00 for one 45-minute session.
Parents can take a free quiz to find out if a nontraditional last name might be right for them at Name Counsel.
Do you have any other advice you'd like to add?
The best advice I can give is to take time to make a careful decision... and to not worry about what other people will think!.
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Comments
Gary, Thanks so much for sharing your point of view with our readers.-Susie
-- Contributed by: Susie1506Rubbish. Along the same path as people wanting to give their child 4, 5 or 6 names. The fact is that nontypical names do create unnecessary distractions and confusion. Responsible parents should strive to avoid creating problems for their children by pursuing their own selfish psychobabble needs. Everybody who wants to make themselves "special" today, wants to preach "breaking the mold", "thinking outside the box" or some other saying that sounds good. Many families have naming issues; including this one. As someone with children ranging in age from 4 months to 23, and with different last names, I have some experience; perhaps more relavent then this research assistant. My children ARE raised with "solid self esteem". It is shallow to imply that if problems exist when last names are "anything goes", then it is because the parent does not teach their child self worth. Ridiculous! My present wife and I have been to college, we are good people and we are excellent parents: period. However, my twin 10 years olds, and their peers, have not and they don't give a hoot what this expert "thinks". Traditions have value! It is a simple concept! For example, funerals have value in assisting people to deal with family loss: not everyone needs to attend, but the event is important. A continuation of a family name is also important because it gives children a sense of investment within the family and a history. At some point, we all question who we are, where we come from and where we are suppose to go. So basically, in my opinion, this article sounds good, but I disagree completely. The naming tradition in a given society, should not be changed to indicate female equality. It is not an issue about equality between men and women! It is a societal tradition for which our children reap the results of our own choices. There is a reason that my family is spending money that it needs to support my twins request to have their last name changed to what it traditionally should have been to begin with! One reason is to eliminate their discomfort. However, they will continue to have 4 names, because they want it that way, at this point. Perhaps in the future there will be places on forms for first name, second name, third name, fourth name and last name. But then some "expert" would suggest doing 5 names; if it makes your family "better". I consider it neglectful for parents to "not worry about what other people think". When the children start encountering issues that distract them from school work and/or creating identity issues, telling them to "not worry about it" does not work. Humans DO NOT HAVE an on/off button. Many people may embrace this article. In fact I had a judge state in court that "half the kids coming through my courtroom have a different last name than their family members". ReAllY! And yet he does not see the correlation? Because that is significantly higher percentages than the school system, any of the churches or other positive organizations. Names ARE important and SO ARE traditions which are societal "norm". What is worth risking disruptions in your childrens lives?
-- Contributed by: Gary Clouseman
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